“Illusions of the mind are the realities of the heart; the waning howls of the night are the cries of joy of the serene morning…”
Unexpected as it may seem, still the hands of fate destined yet another love to end. A realization came upon me that destiny can sometimes go erratic, or often to vagabond to understand. Notes of confusion and pain resonate when love and destiny collide, and this melody is often too distorted that it causes an unpleasant sensation in your heart.
I knew that something was wrong; days were never the same as it used to be. Weeks ran with silence, without even a word from each other. She was hundreds of miles away then, and a strange feeling of newfound freedom enveloped me as I roamed freely during the succeeding days. Trust was one thing, the only thing that gave us an amount of security enough to hold on. Deep within me, I longed for a mature relationship, where distance is merely a conquest to be conquered with ease. But lonesome cries echoed in my mind. Unconsciously, an ominous force began to seep its way through my veins, a force that would soon reveal its destruction on the verge of a chaotic prophecy.
Time rolled quite softly, too soft that it bored me to death. I decided to go for a vacation since it was summer and I had nothing to do in my jurisdiction. An upcoming national youth assembly would be held in General Santos and it would be great if I would be able to attend. She was surprised when I told her about my sudden proposal, nevertheless she knew that I would be in distress if she disapproved. And so I left, almost instantly, aboard a cruise ship, bolstered by excitement and enthusiasm. That night, curiosity led me to ponder on sinister thoughts of freedom and liberty; some were spiritual, thinking why I have been so blessed and bestowed. I never knew that these things trailed to the path of our relationship’s undoing, and yet it somehow felt bittersweet. I barely understood why.
My arrival the next day was a crippling one. My muscles were strained from carrying my baggage and I could feel my bones crumbling from the unbearable heat and exhaustion. The time we reached our service, I cunningly sat down and sighed a moment of relief. At least now I can rest my feet and breathe with ease. The cozy residence where we were planned to reside was nearer than what I expected, and for that I felt justified. I met a handful of contemporaries who would attend the same event, and since we were a week early, we had time to abuse ourselves with sheer fun and laughter. At least, for them…
It was heartbreaking in my part when my stay was cut short for some certain health reasons, and I began to grow weary for such. The proposed three weeks was dissolved to a mere five days of self-torture and turmoil, an experience that would remain indelible. With only faith to cherish, I fought my way through the sleepless nights and eerie days of my torment. I was forced to leave the city as soon as possible in one way or another, from then I moaned and shivered from what I kept on thinking as a curse. It was the unfolding of the scroll of my revelation, the dawn of darkness, the genesis of a withering love. Disarmed and impaled, my hopeless state led me to wishing for a miracle; praying that this nightmare would end, hoping that when I open my eyes everything would be fine. My faith began to fade.
I muttered to myself if whether I’ll tell her about my horror or never at all. I thought that I would look egocentric if I dared not to, so I told her. Her reaction troubled me, for she thought about the matter as merely an inevitable part of growing up. Her sympathy was somehow joyous, but it made me feel mollified in an intricate way. She assured me that everything will be fine in a moment; I couldn’t help but pretend that I didn’t care about my situation though in fact I was silently weeping that very moment from discouragement and self-pity. I faked laughs, wore a mask, and wandered through my shallowness with broken wings. Questions remained unanswered, maybe they were really meant to be rhetorical. I, for once, blamed myself and thought of these things as consequences from the mistakes I had done before. I began to atone myself, asking for forgiveness, for rarely consulting Him and relying on my own strength. But it wasn’t the bigger picture, what about her? Is she the primal cause for this monstrosity? A pain in my chest choked me that moment, my blood grew cold.
Minutes seemed to last for days, and days for years. I turned stubborn and obstinate as time lashed its whip on my wounds. Savaging on a promise that He will never forsake me, I sought for my lost faith once more and this time, I vowed to be persistent. I submitted and offered myself whole, my soul, heart and mind to His will. “Kayo na po ang bahala sa ‘kin,” I kept on uttering over and over again on my reflection. My suffering seemed to be perpetual, but I gambled with fate by leaving it all to Him. I may sound religious or too spiritual, but I tell you: at times like these circumstances, it would be the only thing left for you to do in the end, for the very last drop of your own strength will be singed by fire. Prayer lightened my path, and by then I committed everything, He carried me.
I regained my sanity back and thought of reality rather than that of creating my own fantasies. Since this torment had already molested me, and things had already happened drastically and could not be changed, giving up to it would not be the most righteous decision. So I elevated the thought of making the best out of it, and even enjoy my long journey back to the unparallel tranquility of our home. And so it did; my journey through land bestowed my spirit sweet, unforgettable memories of my childhood; memoirs that I realized had persevered ‘til this day. I reminisced about my awe and amazement each time I gazed on a vast valley full of crops and fruits reaching even the horizon; and when my eyes grow big staring at the peak of what I thought was the highest mountain. Those were the nostalgic memories I still held close to my heart. I enjoyed the sea much as much as I enjoyed the land. But I had to admit that I was a little paranoid and inane on my travel. I was with my dad then, and I had this fear that I wouldn’t be able to aboard the boat where we would have our last travel back to my hometown, since my health problem was contagious. But thank God for his grace, we finally caressed ourselves with joy and felicity when we entered the sanctuary of our room. We enjoyed and abused the bountiful pleasures a suite room offers, it was almost like home. My dad enjoyed it obviously, for he was almost an hour in the shower satisfying his ignorance; I was in bed then, watching television as well as reflecting with the picturesque view of the majestic sea and the sky in the façade of the suite. Sunset was voluptuously lovely, and it gave me a feeling of contentment and happiness even through all the troubles that caused me so much pain. My suffering was eased, my turmoil ceased. For that, I extended my utmost gratitude to the One who made me realized that there are other special things in this world worth more than that of the insignificant and temporary things we could see, that beauty within us is the greatest thing He had entrusted us. They are nothing but rubbish compared to immaterial gifts that remain forever. Roses blossomed in my heart, and my mourning was replaced with rejoicing, joy that will never perish. My sincerity paid of, my prayers had been answered. A smile rushed to my face, delighted in a way.
As the radiant sun waved goodbye to the vermillion sky, and the once crimsoned horizon was painted with the lights of the heavens, a special person animated in my mind. She was there, my inamorata, her visage was as clear as crystal. I remembered seeing her beside myself in moments like this. We used to watch the sunset together when we stay late in the brow of our school. I never thought that such days have to lie dormant once more, where love just flowed freely like a river that was never intervened by human hands. For once, I thought this pathetic romance would last for eternity, but I guess eternity still does not exist in such age. “Our promises, our vows, all were too complicated for us to truly understand,” I thought. Chaotic as it may seem, at least it has to end not because of infidelity, but for reasons destiny could only tell. But then, a sudden blow shook my thinking with intensity, I realized that she still is innocent with the thoughts I manifested in that epiphany. In an instance, I was caught between a crossroads. One would lead to liberty, where I can commit my whole life entirely to a new path of incomparable joy in Him but at the cause of death of our love. The other is a lighter path where our love would be preserved, but would turn perilous in the future and might even cost my own soul. I was facing an unsolvable dilemma, aching with both choices. Both were considerably good paths, neither was wicked, but I had to choose for the best. It was never meant to be a confusing matter; it only turned out to be because of one thing, a fact I could never change.
My faith and hers were not parallel. I grew up to be a strong Christian with indestructible foundations, a pastor’s prodigy, someone who vowed to put my Creator first in everything. But she is a firm believer of the Muslim faith, as well as her entire family; she wouldn’t easily give up her spirituality, as well as I would not, too. For the reason that I didn’t expect our relationship to be that serious, I didn’t mind about this seemingly ceasing difference. But I stood vindicated by my own desires; our bond only grew strong as days and months passed by. Love bonded us to a point of being unbreakable, and so this matter grew more serious each day. Our future was at its wake, it held an irreversible downfall where we would face God, Himself. She kept on saying that there would be a way, but this only made the situation dire. We had to find our way out of this conspiracy, and I had to decide my path with alacrity but with wisdom, as well. But before I even seek for answers, she told me something I wasn’t prepared for.
“In the future, I’m willing to convert my own faith for the sake of our love,” she uttered with willingness and commitment, using only our cellular phones as our means of communication. I was often amazed with certain things she had been doing for me lately, and somehow I felt guilty of why I had to end this. I was shocked, but determined to know more. She proposed more about her unpredicted decision, but the more she explained, the more I grew perplexed. But then, I asked her something that silenced her for a while, “What about your family? What would they say?” She didn’t answer; she remained speechless and placid, lost for words I guess. In a moment we collided with destiny once more. I told her and explained that family is far more important than love; for they gave you everything you needed and nurtured you since you were a child. “You cannot easily give them up in the future for this,” I told her with mere authority. She then admitted that she hadn’t realized the circumstances and the peril in her decision, and so she immediately agreed. I was uttering these things because I had learned my lessons about the importance of family and the relationships you had to replenish once in a while with them. They are the ones who give you true serenity; they are the great professors in your course in life, teaching you the essence of all things. Unfortunately, I learned those lessons the hard way, and I don’t want her to suffer the way I did. She seemed so callous back then, but this time her eyes were opened to the truth. But I was concerned of her emotions, and whispered to myself, “If only I could hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her.”
To understand is one thing, and to accept another. I knew that she was in sorrow and pain that moment, leaving me scarred as well. We both had grief-stricken emotions when we were trapped behind bars of our own passion; tears were shed that night. The consuming flame of love, which once ablaze in our hearts, faded in oblivion; she concealed herself, and I thought of myself being naïve. My mind came to be a desolate place of anguish and our love lied in despair. Despite being shattered into a thousand pieces, I took a leap of faith and resisted to engage in a caprice, for I was longing to correct myself and press on for my decision was final. Acceptance was our only choice, and we had to for the sake of our own future and our soul, as well. We compromised to decisions we barely even noticed was there; and slowly we manage to find solutions to the problems. A luminance dazzled in the darkness, the melancholic ambience vanished, and hope summoned its promising light once more for the last time. But even if we had all the chances and answers we desired for, things will never be the same again.
Fate obliterated our love, something that was meant to be somehow obsolete. Yet the dance was a graceful one for our reputation was left untouched. Though we could never mold a replica of the perfect harmonies we tuned together, heaven gave us the chance to engrave lasting memories. Love is too elusive for someone to acquire all knowledge about it. Sometimes it never retaliates; it just lets itself be controlled by its masters. Other times it turns wicked, repelling everything in its wake and creating nothing but horrendous ordeals. Evasion to its awaiting trials is never an option; you have to refresh your morale to fight the battles it has to unveil. We may have won the battle, but we lost the war. It is not a matter of weakness or an ungallant character, but a matter of a destined fall. We could do nothing about our future; it is set and unchangeable. What we could do is follow the right path and do the right things; though it often holds agony and suffering, it would lead to a glorious victory.
And so it came to past. Our valorous love descended to an intimate friendship. She still remains to be the only person I truly loved with all my heart, and I know its something similar in her part, too. Images of our past still amplify life in my cellular phone, depicting what was used to be my treasures. Our text messages were somehow minimized each day, unlike the old times where every minute our phone would resound. The heartfelt intimacy our bond used to have fluttered with the wind, even the way we utter words to each other had turned from special to normal conversations. It was a milestone we were able to traverse. Ashes from the fire were swept; and finally, we chose to move on.
“You will always be remembered,” we often say to each other with a touch of sweetness. A series of laughs and pathetic conversations would soon follow afterwards. “Oh, panu ba ‘yan, single ka na ulit. Haha,” she exclaimed insolently but in a hilarious way. A minute before, we were in tears; now, we laugh and grin in delight. But we still are sincere with our presence; and often she would assure me the way she loved me unconditionally and she knew I did the same thing. For that, we were contented and happy in strange way I can vaguely explain. I felt prestigious in the way everything worked the way I wanted them to be; humming the melodies of our past gave me satisfaction.
We remembered the promises we cherished long ago. It was this time that we thought of some as too exaggerated or even too preposterously early. “If you leave me, I’ll commit suicide or die.” “Our love won’t end even if the world is against us.” “Wherever you’ll go, I go, even if it is death itself.” “I’m yours for eternity, and only you can caress me.” “You are my future companion for life, and for that I’m sure.” These are just few of the vows we had written on the tablet of our hearts. I told her that we need to forget things that were too improper for our immaturity, and she simply agreed with every word I pondered. “Please, whatever happens, don’t commit suicide for this as what we had promised. Just live your life to the fullest,” I quickly messaged her thinking that she’ll die that very instance (silly me…). I was expecting for an elusive answer. “Though it’s hard in my part, for you, I will,” she replied with sincerity but with a troubled mind. I knew that pain still haunted her heart, but I trust her courage in the journey she has to finish; for she is a noble fighter, able to do great things an ordinary woman could not. For now, my mind was filled with peace and comfort for choosing the path I longed for. I hope she’ll do the same thing, and I hope she’ll feel the same indescribable joy I felt for choosing my path. We promised never to dodge glances with each other and be in comfort with our presence, the presence of two lovers with a love that was torn asunder by fate.
Dawn awakened, and the resonating light of the sun brushed away the countless gemstones of the night, a night as black as obsidian. The air was the filled with the mighty war cries of the roosters and the music of morning veneered the tales of woe of yesterday. My eyes were eclipsed by the shadows of my haven. I woke up from the creaking sound of the door where my father would deliver my breakfast each day. I realized that I slept last night without a simple goodnight; checking my cellular phone, a voice of tender care in my serenity awaited my heart from her. A smile drew itself in my face, happiness overflowed within my cup. “I’m happy for you, and I thank God for He gave me a special person only a handful of people had met; and if ever you need me, I’m always here for you, always.” Her words echoed in the walls of my heart, and I wept for a while. I sometimes feel guilty or even knowing that it was my cause why such tragic things happened. Nevertheless, I did what’s proper, and for that I will prosper as well as the memories. I conceded at things I once thought was right, and in some other way, I felt a longing for chastity once more. Learning the lesson of “true love waits” is a difficult one. For this, I want to redeem myself and my lost faith; and so I kept a vow to wait for the right time, for the right one. It wasn’t because I was desperate to find love, but I hunger for it day and night at point of breaking myself apart. But now, I dare not to, for I reflected that I am not yet prepared for its wrath. My demeanor had been changed by my experience, as well as hers. My odyssey is not yet complete; I still have vast oceans to cross and mountains to conquer. But now, I am armed again for battle; insanity will never take hold of me again, for I achieved immunity from it through these things. Our love is nothing but a sacred relic of the old, lying in ruins and sundered by destiny; my once inamorata is now a remembrance of the past. So here I am, my body battered and scarred, but determined to move on towards my goal. The burning flames of love might remain dormant, but it will never go six feet under. I waved farewell to my fidelity and indulge myself to the truth I withheld within my feeble heart:
Unexpected as it may seem, still the hands of fate destined yet another love to end. A realization came upon me that destiny can sometimes go erratic, or often to vagabond to understand. Notes of confusion and pain resonate when love and destiny collide, and this melody is often too distorted that it causes an unpleasant sensation in your heart.
I knew that something was wrong; days were never the same as it used to be. Weeks ran with silence, without even a word from each other. She was hundreds of miles away then, and a strange feeling of newfound freedom enveloped me as I roamed freely during the succeeding days. Trust was one thing, the only thing that gave us an amount of security enough to hold on. Deep within me, I longed for a mature relationship, where distance is merely a conquest to be conquered with ease. But lonesome cries echoed in my mind. Unconsciously, an ominous force began to seep its way through my veins, a force that would soon reveal its destruction on the verge of a chaotic prophecy.
Time rolled quite softly, too soft that it bored me to death. I decided to go for a vacation since it was summer and I had nothing to do in my jurisdiction. An upcoming national youth assembly would be held in General Santos and it would be great if I would be able to attend. She was surprised when I told her about my sudden proposal, nevertheless she knew that I would be in distress if she disapproved. And so I left, almost instantly, aboard a cruise ship, bolstered by excitement and enthusiasm. That night, curiosity led me to ponder on sinister thoughts of freedom and liberty; some were spiritual, thinking why I have been so blessed and bestowed. I never knew that these things trailed to the path of our relationship’s undoing, and yet it somehow felt bittersweet. I barely understood why.
My arrival the next day was a crippling one. My muscles were strained from carrying my baggage and I could feel my bones crumbling from the unbearable heat and exhaustion. The time we reached our service, I cunningly sat down and sighed a moment of relief. At least now I can rest my feet and breathe with ease. The cozy residence where we were planned to reside was nearer than what I expected, and for that I felt justified. I met a handful of contemporaries who would attend the same event, and since we were a week early, we had time to abuse ourselves with sheer fun and laughter. At least, for them…
It was heartbreaking in my part when my stay was cut short for some certain health reasons, and I began to grow weary for such. The proposed three weeks was dissolved to a mere five days of self-torture and turmoil, an experience that would remain indelible. With only faith to cherish, I fought my way through the sleepless nights and eerie days of my torment. I was forced to leave the city as soon as possible in one way or another, from then I moaned and shivered from what I kept on thinking as a curse. It was the unfolding of the scroll of my revelation, the dawn of darkness, the genesis of a withering love. Disarmed and impaled, my hopeless state led me to wishing for a miracle; praying that this nightmare would end, hoping that when I open my eyes everything would be fine. My faith began to fade.
I muttered to myself if whether I’ll tell her about my horror or never at all. I thought that I would look egocentric if I dared not to, so I told her. Her reaction troubled me, for she thought about the matter as merely an inevitable part of growing up. Her sympathy was somehow joyous, but it made me feel mollified in an intricate way. She assured me that everything will be fine in a moment; I couldn’t help but pretend that I didn’t care about my situation though in fact I was silently weeping that very moment from discouragement and self-pity. I faked laughs, wore a mask, and wandered through my shallowness with broken wings. Questions remained unanswered, maybe they were really meant to be rhetorical. I, for once, blamed myself and thought of these things as consequences from the mistakes I had done before. I began to atone myself, asking for forgiveness, for rarely consulting Him and relying on my own strength. But it wasn’t the bigger picture, what about her? Is she the primal cause for this monstrosity? A pain in my chest choked me that moment, my blood grew cold.
Minutes seemed to last for days, and days for years. I turned stubborn and obstinate as time lashed its whip on my wounds. Savaging on a promise that He will never forsake me, I sought for my lost faith once more and this time, I vowed to be persistent. I submitted and offered myself whole, my soul, heart and mind to His will. “Kayo na po ang bahala sa ‘kin,” I kept on uttering over and over again on my reflection. My suffering seemed to be perpetual, but I gambled with fate by leaving it all to Him. I may sound religious or too spiritual, but I tell you: at times like these circumstances, it would be the only thing left for you to do in the end, for the very last drop of your own strength will be singed by fire. Prayer lightened my path, and by then I committed everything, He carried me.
I regained my sanity back and thought of reality rather than that of creating my own fantasies. Since this torment had already molested me, and things had already happened drastically and could not be changed, giving up to it would not be the most righteous decision. So I elevated the thought of making the best out of it, and even enjoy my long journey back to the unparallel tranquility of our home. And so it did; my journey through land bestowed my spirit sweet, unforgettable memories of my childhood; memoirs that I realized had persevered ‘til this day. I reminisced about my awe and amazement each time I gazed on a vast valley full of crops and fruits reaching even the horizon; and when my eyes grow big staring at the peak of what I thought was the highest mountain. Those were the nostalgic memories I still held close to my heart. I enjoyed the sea much as much as I enjoyed the land. But I had to admit that I was a little paranoid and inane on my travel. I was with my dad then, and I had this fear that I wouldn’t be able to aboard the boat where we would have our last travel back to my hometown, since my health problem was contagious. But thank God for his grace, we finally caressed ourselves with joy and felicity when we entered the sanctuary of our room. We enjoyed and abused the bountiful pleasures a suite room offers, it was almost like home. My dad enjoyed it obviously, for he was almost an hour in the shower satisfying his ignorance; I was in bed then, watching television as well as reflecting with the picturesque view of the majestic sea and the sky in the façade of the suite. Sunset was voluptuously lovely, and it gave me a feeling of contentment and happiness even through all the troubles that caused me so much pain. My suffering was eased, my turmoil ceased. For that, I extended my utmost gratitude to the One who made me realized that there are other special things in this world worth more than that of the insignificant and temporary things we could see, that beauty within us is the greatest thing He had entrusted us. They are nothing but rubbish compared to immaterial gifts that remain forever. Roses blossomed in my heart, and my mourning was replaced with rejoicing, joy that will never perish. My sincerity paid of, my prayers had been answered. A smile rushed to my face, delighted in a way.
As the radiant sun waved goodbye to the vermillion sky, and the once crimsoned horizon was painted with the lights of the heavens, a special person animated in my mind. She was there, my inamorata, her visage was as clear as crystal. I remembered seeing her beside myself in moments like this. We used to watch the sunset together when we stay late in the brow of our school. I never thought that such days have to lie dormant once more, where love just flowed freely like a river that was never intervened by human hands. For once, I thought this pathetic romance would last for eternity, but I guess eternity still does not exist in such age. “Our promises, our vows, all were too complicated for us to truly understand,” I thought. Chaotic as it may seem, at least it has to end not because of infidelity, but for reasons destiny could only tell. But then, a sudden blow shook my thinking with intensity, I realized that she still is innocent with the thoughts I manifested in that epiphany. In an instance, I was caught between a crossroads. One would lead to liberty, where I can commit my whole life entirely to a new path of incomparable joy in Him but at the cause of death of our love. The other is a lighter path where our love would be preserved, but would turn perilous in the future and might even cost my own soul. I was facing an unsolvable dilemma, aching with both choices. Both were considerably good paths, neither was wicked, but I had to choose for the best. It was never meant to be a confusing matter; it only turned out to be because of one thing, a fact I could never change.
My faith and hers were not parallel. I grew up to be a strong Christian with indestructible foundations, a pastor’s prodigy, someone who vowed to put my Creator first in everything. But she is a firm believer of the Muslim faith, as well as her entire family; she wouldn’t easily give up her spirituality, as well as I would not, too. For the reason that I didn’t expect our relationship to be that serious, I didn’t mind about this seemingly ceasing difference. But I stood vindicated by my own desires; our bond only grew strong as days and months passed by. Love bonded us to a point of being unbreakable, and so this matter grew more serious each day. Our future was at its wake, it held an irreversible downfall where we would face God, Himself. She kept on saying that there would be a way, but this only made the situation dire. We had to find our way out of this conspiracy, and I had to decide my path with alacrity but with wisdom, as well. But before I even seek for answers, she told me something I wasn’t prepared for.
“In the future, I’m willing to convert my own faith for the sake of our love,” she uttered with willingness and commitment, using only our cellular phones as our means of communication. I was often amazed with certain things she had been doing for me lately, and somehow I felt guilty of why I had to end this. I was shocked, but determined to know more. She proposed more about her unpredicted decision, but the more she explained, the more I grew perplexed. But then, I asked her something that silenced her for a while, “What about your family? What would they say?” She didn’t answer; she remained speechless and placid, lost for words I guess. In a moment we collided with destiny once more. I told her and explained that family is far more important than love; for they gave you everything you needed and nurtured you since you were a child. “You cannot easily give them up in the future for this,” I told her with mere authority. She then admitted that she hadn’t realized the circumstances and the peril in her decision, and so she immediately agreed. I was uttering these things because I had learned my lessons about the importance of family and the relationships you had to replenish once in a while with them. They are the ones who give you true serenity; they are the great professors in your course in life, teaching you the essence of all things. Unfortunately, I learned those lessons the hard way, and I don’t want her to suffer the way I did. She seemed so callous back then, but this time her eyes were opened to the truth. But I was concerned of her emotions, and whispered to myself, “If only I could hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her.”
To understand is one thing, and to accept another. I knew that she was in sorrow and pain that moment, leaving me scarred as well. We both had grief-stricken emotions when we were trapped behind bars of our own passion; tears were shed that night. The consuming flame of love, which once ablaze in our hearts, faded in oblivion; she concealed herself, and I thought of myself being naïve. My mind came to be a desolate place of anguish and our love lied in despair. Despite being shattered into a thousand pieces, I took a leap of faith and resisted to engage in a caprice, for I was longing to correct myself and press on for my decision was final. Acceptance was our only choice, and we had to for the sake of our own future and our soul, as well. We compromised to decisions we barely even noticed was there; and slowly we manage to find solutions to the problems. A luminance dazzled in the darkness, the melancholic ambience vanished, and hope summoned its promising light once more for the last time. But even if we had all the chances and answers we desired for, things will never be the same again.
Fate obliterated our love, something that was meant to be somehow obsolete. Yet the dance was a graceful one for our reputation was left untouched. Though we could never mold a replica of the perfect harmonies we tuned together, heaven gave us the chance to engrave lasting memories. Love is too elusive for someone to acquire all knowledge about it. Sometimes it never retaliates; it just lets itself be controlled by its masters. Other times it turns wicked, repelling everything in its wake and creating nothing but horrendous ordeals. Evasion to its awaiting trials is never an option; you have to refresh your morale to fight the battles it has to unveil. We may have won the battle, but we lost the war. It is not a matter of weakness or an ungallant character, but a matter of a destined fall. We could do nothing about our future; it is set and unchangeable. What we could do is follow the right path and do the right things; though it often holds agony and suffering, it would lead to a glorious victory.
And so it came to past. Our valorous love descended to an intimate friendship. She still remains to be the only person I truly loved with all my heart, and I know its something similar in her part, too. Images of our past still amplify life in my cellular phone, depicting what was used to be my treasures. Our text messages were somehow minimized each day, unlike the old times where every minute our phone would resound. The heartfelt intimacy our bond used to have fluttered with the wind, even the way we utter words to each other had turned from special to normal conversations. It was a milestone we were able to traverse. Ashes from the fire were swept; and finally, we chose to move on.
“You will always be remembered,” we often say to each other with a touch of sweetness. A series of laughs and pathetic conversations would soon follow afterwards. “Oh, panu ba ‘yan, single ka na ulit. Haha,” she exclaimed insolently but in a hilarious way. A minute before, we were in tears; now, we laugh and grin in delight. But we still are sincere with our presence; and often she would assure me the way she loved me unconditionally and she knew I did the same thing. For that, we were contented and happy in strange way I can vaguely explain. I felt prestigious in the way everything worked the way I wanted them to be; humming the melodies of our past gave me satisfaction.
We remembered the promises we cherished long ago. It was this time that we thought of some as too exaggerated or even too preposterously early. “If you leave me, I’ll commit suicide or die.” “Our love won’t end even if the world is against us.” “Wherever you’ll go, I go, even if it is death itself.” “I’m yours for eternity, and only you can caress me.” “You are my future companion for life, and for that I’m sure.” These are just few of the vows we had written on the tablet of our hearts. I told her that we need to forget things that were too improper for our immaturity, and she simply agreed with every word I pondered. “Please, whatever happens, don’t commit suicide for this as what we had promised. Just live your life to the fullest,” I quickly messaged her thinking that she’ll die that very instance (silly me…). I was expecting for an elusive answer. “Though it’s hard in my part, for you, I will,” she replied with sincerity but with a troubled mind. I knew that pain still haunted her heart, but I trust her courage in the journey she has to finish; for she is a noble fighter, able to do great things an ordinary woman could not. For now, my mind was filled with peace and comfort for choosing the path I longed for. I hope she’ll do the same thing, and I hope she’ll feel the same indescribable joy I felt for choosing my path. We promised never to dodge glances with each other and be in comfort with our presence, the presence of two lovers with a love that was torn asunder by fate.
Dawn awakened, and the resonating light of the sun brushed away the countless gemstones of the night, a night as black as obsidian. The air was the filled with the mighty war cries of the roosters and the music of morning veneered the tales of woe of yesterday. My eyes were eclipsed by the shadows of my haven. I woke up from the creaking sound of the door where my father would deliver my breakfast each day. I realized that I slept last night without a simple goodnight; checking my cellular phone, a voice of tender care in my serenity awaited my heart from her. A smile drew itself in my face, happiness overflowed within my cup. “I’m happy for you, and I thank God for He gave me a special person only a handful of people had met; and if ever you need me, I’m always here for you, always.” Her words echoed in the walls of my heart, and I wept for a while. I sometimes feel guilty or even knowing that it was my cause why such tragic things happened. Nevertheless, I did what’s proper, and for that I will prosper as well as the memories. I conceded at things I once thought was right, and in some other way, I felt a longing for chastity once more. Learning the lesson of “true love waits” is a difficult one. For this, I want to redeem myself and my lost faith; and so I kept a vow to wait for the right time, for the right one. It wasn’t because I was desperate to find love, but I hunger for it day and night at point of breaking myself apart. But now, I dare not to, for I reflected that I am not yet prepared for its wrath. My demeanor had been changed by my experience, as well as hers. My odyssey is not yet complete; I still have vast oceans to cross and mountains to conquer. But now, I am armed again for battle; insanity will never take hold of me again, for I achieved immunity from it through these things. Our love is nothing but a sacred relic of the old, lying in ruins and sundered by destiny; my once inamorata is now a remembrance of the past. So here I am, my body battered and scarred, but determined to move on towards my goal. The burning flames of love might remain dormant, but it will never go six feet under. I waved farewell to my fidelity and indulge myself to the truth I withheld within my feeble heart:
“Mahal kita, pero mas mahal ko siya…”
